First Full Day with Emilia

Our first full 24 hours with our beautiful little girl! What an experience and what a blessing we are sharing.

I (Ren) must admit, I'm a little nervous because as her personality continues to emerge, we are seeing a little teaser in our midst. Tom and Emilia spells big trouble for Ren!

Because it rained all day yesterday, our sightseeing tour was at a museum here in Changsha. I can't recall the name off the top of my head, but it was incredible. The museum centers on a family tomb that was discovered in 1972 and dates back to approximately 700+ years B.C. and the remains of the woman of the house are completely mummified and all the possessions that were buried with her are all remarkably preserved. They even found 32 watermelon seeds in her stomach when they autopsied her. I (Tom) suggested to the guide that in the U.S. we spit the seeds out. Amy, our guide was fabulous and it gave us an opportunity to learn about the local culture which we always enjoy.

Today it is still raining so I (Tom) may go for a little swim in the indoor pool, followed by a nap and then a little afternoon shopping. ( I am not sure what Ren ans Emilia are doing....ha...ha). Maybe I will invite them along. Renee has already purchased one pair of shoes. I can't complain because they only cost a few bucks. I think I may have her get all the shoe shopping for the year out of the way at these prices. I am looking for an additional piece of luggage to bring the shoes home. Also the massage in the hotel only cost $12 USD for one hour. I am also encouraging Ren to get her fill before we return home.

That's all for today. Emilia just fell asleep in Ren's arms as we type this entry. I guess swimming will have to wait a couple of hours.

Emilia!!

It's amazing what a difference mere hours make! Slowly but surely our little Emilia's personality has begun to emerge. The initial unemotional front she gave us was a just a cover for a sunny, smiley, and mischievous little character. She has a very happy disposition, and we think she'll be keeping us both very busy with her active nature. I'm thinking her cousins have nothing on her when it comes to her level of activity! She knows what she wants and she knows how to ask so that we can't possibly deny her.

She only got in a couple cat naps during our back and forth to the civil registration office yesterday so we thought she'd be zonked by the time we put her to bed. We laid her in her crib and found that she was fighting falling asleep. She was holding her baby, her bottle and just starting up at the ceiling. We've often expressed to each other over the last 24 hours..."what do you think is going through her head?" because she often becomes contemplative, particularly when she is tired. We think she was trying to take it all in and make sense of it once we put her down. When she started to cry a little, we laid her in our bed with the two of us on either side of her just holding and watching her. She watched us until her eyes got so heavy she fell asleep. That was around 7:30 p.m. and we didn't hear a peep from her until 6:15 a.m. (although she does move around a lot at night!).

Her voice has a little raspy sound to it and she now is using words. We've caught "neehow" (hi) a few times, but most of it is gibberish to us and we just nod, smile and say "yes". After breakfast this morning, we gave her her first full bath. She absolutely loves the water which is great! She has discovered Cheerios, peanut butter crackers, and raisins. It's funny because instead of taking a raisin (or anything else for that matter) and putting it in her mouth herself, she holds it out to one of us to feed her. We think she's discovered that she's now living pretty large and is taking full advantage of having two parents at her beck and call!

At 2:00 p.m. today we have sightseeing plans. It is raining so we are going to a local museum. If it had been nice, we were supposed to go to the countryside to visit a garden of some sort. Hopefully, we'll be doing that on another day prior to leaving Changsha. That's it for now, but we'll make every attempt to continue to keep you all posted.

Thanks for all the wonderful comments. We enjoy reading them and feeling in touch with home!

Today was the BIG day!!!!!

Well, we have finally been united with Emilia!!!! She is as beautiful and healthy as we imagined.

The day has been indescribable, but I will do my best to give you an idea of how it all happened. This morning at 9:00 we went to the civil affairs office for our 9:30 appointment with the officials and to receive Emilia. When we got there we went to a big room where the nannies and babies arrive. Many other parents were also there to meet their children. The babies started to come in and we waited and watched. It seemed like everyone that came in the door looked like our Emilia! I think that may have been because we were so anxious to meet her that we looked for any similarity in any and all babies that came through that door! Finally after about three rounds of children, we looked up and there she was coming through the door. They called our name and we rushed up to meet her. It all happened in a couple of seconds and we turned around and the nanny was gone. We never did get to speak with her.

Once we sat back down with Emilia, she would not look at us, but she never once cried. She just kept looking away as if we would go away if she did not look at us. She was taking in everything going on around us, but she didn't have any interest in us whatsoever. We began enticing her with every child's weakness...food! Little Gerber fruit puffs went a long way in establishing that first tiny bond. The orphanage had given her a lollie pop and she held on to that for dear life. It actually took us five hours and a lot of stickiness later to finally convince her that it was ok to give it up. It seemed to be her final security blanket that she didn't want to let go.

Going back to getting the babies, it is the most chaotic thing you could ever imagine. Babies crying, people crying, amateur photographers and cameramen everywhere. People speaking several different languages and government officials receiving small gifts of appreciation. WOW!!!!!

As soon as we were allowed, we left to go back to the hotel and check out our babies. For those who may not know, we traveled with two other families. One from Maine and one from Massachusetts. The girls are all beautiful.

Emilia seems to be very healthy. After a change of clothes and sponge bath, we attempted our first bottle of formula. That was not a big hit with her and we quickly moved to a sippy cup.

At 2:00pm we had to return to the civil affairs building to process paper work. Other babies were still being given to their new parents, but now they were also trying to process paperwork with those that had received their children in the morning. As we filled out forms, it was pointed out that Renee and another gentleman in our group had been using the wrong type and color pen. This lead to about a 10 minute argument between officials and our guide. Finally the correct pens were distributed and the process could continue. The issue was the we were to have the correct pens to use and they did not want to share. Go figure!

We are back at the hotel and Emilia is starting to warm up to us. She has given us a few smiles, some chatting, and she seems to be attaching to a "pea in a pod" baby that we brought with us.

All is well! What an absolutely incredible indescribable day!

We've Arrived in Hong Kong!

After 21 hours of travel time, we made it to Hong Kong! Our flight was smooth and on time, but very, very long.

The weather here is in the high 60s and overcast. We found our way to an Internet Cafe so we could update you. Last night, we walked around Kowloon and we cannot describe how beautiful Hong Kong harbor is at night. The lights on the high rises are spectacular. On our first morning, we have navigated our way on the Hong Kong subway to take us to the "Ladies Market". Yes, Tom, even agreed that it was ok for this to be on our agenda for the day!!

We are hoping to take a trip to Victoria Peak this evening and see the city from the highest point of Hong Kong island. We'll make our way up on a tram and have a panoramic view, as long as it is not overcast.

Other than that, we will be leaving early tomorrow morning for our flight to Changsha. We are one day closer to meeting Emilia for the first time and we cannot wait!

ITINERARY

ITINERARY

Thursday, February 22, 2007-Saturday, February 24, 2007
Depart Portland on United Airlines flight 5363 at 6:26am (please arrive at the airport 2.5 hours prior to your departure) and arrive in Chicago at 8:12am. Depart Chicago on United Airlines flight 829 at 10:13am and arrive in Hong Kong at 3:50pm on Friday, February 23, 2007.

Hotel: Marco Polo Hotel Prince
Address: 67 Nathan Rd.
Harbour City, Kowloon Phone#: 011-852- 2113-1888Fax#: 011-852-2113-0066

Saturday, February 24, 2007
Sightseeing is optional. Barbara will arrange for this for the group. I would highly recommend you take the tram up to Victoria Peak. The view is spectacular.

Sunday, February 25, 2007
Depart Hong Kong on China Southern (CZ) flight 3038 at 1:10pm and arrive in Changsha at 2:30pm. Please be at airport 2.5 hours prior to departure as it’s considered an international flight.

Hotel: Dolton Hotel
149 Shaoshan Rd, Changsha, China 41011
Phone: 011-86-731-4168888
Fax: 011-86-731-4160901

Monday, February 26, 2007-Friday, March 2, 2007
You will be united with your child on Monday, February 26, 2007 at the Civil Registration office in Changsha. You will also begin preliminary paperwork and will continue the adoption proceedings the following day, Tuesday, February 27, 2007 at the Civil Registration office and Notary office (this is the day your child’s adoption will be finalized in China). The reason why all of the adoption paperwork will not be completed immediately (the day you are united with your child) is to allow all adoptive families a 24 hour bonding/attachment period with their child to ensure they wish to continue to move forward. Please note that within the 24 hour bonding/attachment period, you will be assigned as your child’s guardian, but she will not be legally yours until you have completed the adoption registration paperwork on Tuesday, February 27, 2007.

In addition to filling out paperwork at the Civil Registration office and Notary office you will also have individual meetings with the officials, which are seriously nothing to worry about. Once all of the paperwork is completed and the children’s passports are issued (passports will be picked up on Friday, March 2, 2007), then officially, the child is yours. These days will also be spent with some sightseeing tours. You are not required to go to all of them though we strongly recommend going to these as they are the way to take pictures and know what the area is like where your daughter was born and share with her as she gets older.

Saturday, March 3, 2007
Depart Changsha on Hainan Airlines (HU) flight 7230 at 11:55am and arrive in Guangzhou at 1:05pm.

Hotel: White Swan Hotel
Address: 1 Shamian South Street, Guangzhou, China 510133
Phone #: 011‑86‑20‑81886968
Fax #: 011‑86‑20‑81861188

Website: http://www.white-swan-hotel.com/ (Hotel guests can send and receive e-mail at the Business Center. There is a fee for this service but it is significantly cheaper than telephone charges, and it is an excellent way to communicate with friends and family at home.

Sunday, March 4, 2007
Free Day

Monday, March 5, 2007
Early in the morning you will go directly to the photo shop for your child’s visa pictures. Aina and the MAPS group leader will accompany you to the photo shop, which is directly across the street from the White Swan hotel. Then you will walk to the medical facility. Your child’s visa medical will occur at the medical center. The Chinese personnel do these medicals. They are very cursory exams. Once the review is over, you will be receiving an envelope that has the necessary paperwork inside which Aina will pick up in the late afternoon on that same day and give to you.

On Monday evening, the MAPS Group Leader and Aina will have a meeting to go over all of the visa paperwork (please note that the MAPS Group Leader and Aina may choose to conduct this meeting on an alternate date; they’ll use their discretion). Please note that only ONE parent is required to attend the visa meeting.

Tuesday, March 6, 2006
Visa Appointment: American Consulate at 10:00am on March 6th.
Step One of the visa process: During the morning of Tuesday, March 6, 2007, the MAPS Group Leader and Aina will collect from you your child’s Chinese passport and your paperwork, which you organized and put into a clear plastic envelope during your visa paperwork meeting with them. The MAPS Group Leader and Aina will then hand-deliver your child’s passport and the documents required for obtaining your child’s visa to the Consulate at 10:00am (as per the Consulate’s request) in order to submit your documentation. You do not actually go to the Consulate at this time with Aina at 10:00am. While the MAPS Group Leader and Aina are at you appointment, we would ask at least for one parent to stay in their hotel room just in case the MAPS Group Leader or Aina needs to reach you to obtain additional information per the request of the Consulate. As soon as they return to the hotel, they will let you know.

Start packing for home!!!!

Wednesday, March 7, 2007

Step Two of the visa process: Aina, the MAPS group leader and your travel group along with the babies will head to the Consulate (Consulate is at a new location) as well as many other agencies families to take a group oath and pick up the children’s immigrant visas. You will also receive your child’s Chinese passport back. This event will take place at 4:00pm.


Thursday, March 8, 2007
Depart Guangzhou on China Air (CA) flight 1352 at 11:55am (please arrive at airport 3 hours prior to your departure – when check-in request for your luggage to be checked through all the way to Chicago if possible) and arrive in Beijing at 2:55pm. Depart Beijing on United flight 850 at 5:25pm and arrive in Chicago (first port of entry in the US) at 4:05pm. When you arrive at the Chicago airport, you will relinquish your child’s visa (a large manila envelope) to the Chicago Immigration and not receive it back. Additionally, they will stamp her Chinese passport and hand it right back to you. Don’t forget you will be arriving in the United States on the same day that you leave China due to the changes in times and zones. Depart Chicago on United Airlines flight 5392 at 7:20pm and arrive in Portland at 10:36pm.



CHINA CONTACT INFORMATION

IMPORTANT ADDRESSES AND TELEPHONE NUMBERS

Aina Ling and Chen Baoshu (MAPS Chinese Coordinators)
# 361, Xian Yue Avenue
Xiamen, China 361012.
Tel & Fax: 011-86-592-5129361

American Consulate in Guangzhou, China
011-86-20-8121-8000

Kimberly Nute
Home: 603-742-5449
Work: 207-775-4101
Home email: kfulhan@yahoo.com

Grieving in Newly Adopted Children

Grieving in Newly Adopted Children – What New Parents Should Expect

The majority of the children will come to their new parents in good physical shape (not underweight, relatively clean, etc). This indicates that they were probably getting fairly good care and may have been attached to a special Ayi (nanny) at the orphanage or to a foster mother. While attachment to a caregiver is desirable in the long run, it may make the initial grieving more pronounced. Below are typical grieving stages often seen in newly adopted children. Toddlers and older children may grieve harder because they have a better recognition of what they have lost and how substantially their life has suddenly changed. Children may show grieving behavior only in China. They may show it only in the U.S., or they may grieve in both countries.

1. First Stage “Shut Down” --This stage often scares parents because they think their new child may be retarded or autistic because he or she is so shut down and near catatonic. The child just stares over you and through you. He/she may not react to noise, as if he/she might have a hearing problem. He/she may or may not eat or take a bottle when in this stage. You may put the child to bed and he/she stares up at the ceiling and never moves. He/she resembles a frozen little robot. The child may resist being touched or held. This first stage might last 3-4 days, and the “zombie” state can kick into gear for an hour or more up to three to four times daily, or it can go on for hours and hours on end. By day four it is usually occurring sporadically throughout the day, but only lasts for a few minutes each time it happens. After 3-4 days all of a sudden your child may wake up from a nap or bedtime, seem to notice who you are (not the ayi) and scream bloody murder. Next Stage!!

2. Second Stage Uncontrollable Crying - This stage is what most of you would expect for grieving. After all your child has lost a loved one(s) and his or her world has been turned upside down. This is your opportunity to be there for him/her so that he/she can bond to you. This stage can last from a few hours total–all done--or a few hours a day or a few hours a day for three to four days. After this stage, you will usually start to see the child seeking and accepting comfort from you, and a few smiles peek through. You might see some of the child’s true personality at this point. Hold her/him as much as possible during this stage – baby carriers (front or hip) are ideal for this. The crying can get to you after awhile, but it is important that you be there to start that bonding (her with you). Try to remember that expressing feelings of loss is healthy and indicates there was an attachment there – which will ultimately help the child attach to you because he/she understands the nature of giving and receiving love.

3. Third Stage Rage & Tantrums - This is a stage that concerns everyone. Parents are likely to think that the child is emotionally disturbed. If the child is in this stage he/she is feeling rage. There will be frequent temper tantrums. The tantrums can last 1-4 hours and often do. Occasionally children may have symptoms consistent with small seizures. Raging happens more often with toddlers and older children. Again, be there for the child, [try distracting] the child. They get upset over the smallest thing in this stage. A tantrum can be triggered because it is time to leave the hotel; you turned off the TV, prevented them from playing with something that isn’t a toy, etc. Most of the time you won’t even know what sparked it—the child won’t either. The child is feeling justifiably angry and as though he or she has no control over events — and may have little understanding about what is happening and why or what will happen next. Additionally they may be incredibly frustrated because they are trying to communicate needs or wishes or fears and you don’t understand them. At that point the child gets very stubborn because he/she wants to regain some control of their life. This stage will usually last 2-3 days off and on in China, and it often comes and goes for a few weeks or maybe longer when you are back to the U.S. Again this is a stage that usually, but not always, happens with the 18-month to 4-year olds. It is important that parents be firm about what is and isn’t appropriate behavior even if the child is grieving, not necessarily over every little undesirable behavior, but about truly unacceptable behavior like hurting others, hurting self, damaging property, running away from you etc. In other words, no matter how sad, it is not appropriate to bite, kick or spit. Make eye contact with the child and say NO. You may feel uncomfortable doing this in front of Chinese people, but if you let it go over the two weeks [you are in China], it will be harder to get straightened out when you get home. If you feel as though you can’t control your child during [a] rage, then go to your hotel room unless you are at an appointment.

Your child may experience all of these feelings or only one or two. Babies under one year of age usually experience #1 and #2 stages. Toddlers usually experience all three stages. Toddlers are apt to have the rage stage for 3-4 weeks after they get to the U.S. This is normal and, believe it or not, healthy! It indicates that they loved someone and miss that person. That means that they will eventually love you. In addition toddlers need and crave routine so this break in their previously predictable lives is traumatic for them. [Some] kids experience stage #2 after being home 2-3 months. Remember that many parents do not experience a “Hallmark” adoption story. It is normal to feel confused, disappointed, anxious, and upset during your adoption trip and during the first few weeks and months at home. Take one day or one hour at a time and do not assume that the behavior you are seeing during the first few days is indicative of what you will see in a week, a month or a year. It’s much more likely that what you are seeing is your child’s reaction to loss of everything and everyone he or she has known. Your child may not find your presence comforting yet because you are still a stranger to him or her, but this won’t last forever!

It will often take a newly adopted child some time to trust you. This should be understandable. The previously trusted orphanage staff handed the child to you and possibly were never seen again by the child. So if he or she doesn’t want you out of his or her sight for fear that you also may not come back it should not be too surprising.
Remember that your child did not exist in a cocoon or a state of suspended animation prior to adoption day – he or she had a life with a certain routine, certain caregivers, and a very predictable unchanging environment. Experiences your child has already had have left an impression. Just as your life will change after adoption, so will your child’s – and all of you will need time to adjust.