Grieving in Newly Adopted Children

Grieving in Newly Adopted Children – What New Parents Should Expect

The majority of the children will come to their new parents in good physical shape (not underweight, relatively clean, etc). This indicates that they were probably getting fairly good care and may have been attached to a special Ayi (nanny) at the orphanage or to a foster mother. While attachment to a caregiver is desirable in the long run, it may make the initial grieving more pronounced. Below are typical grieving stages often seen in newly adopted children. Toddlers and older children may grieve harder because they have a better recognition of what they have lost and how substantially their life has suddenly changed. Children may show grieving behavior only in China. They may show it only in the U.S., or they may grieve in both countries.

1. First Stage “Shut Down” --This stage often scares parents because they think their new child may be retarded or autistic because he or she is so shut down and near catatonic. The child just stares over you and through you. He/she may not react to noise, as if he/she might have a hearing problem. He/she may or may not eat or take a bottle when in this stage. You may put the child to bed and he/she stares up at the ceiling and never moves. He/she resembles a frozen little robot. The child may resist being touched or held. This first stage might last 3-4 days, and the “zombie” state can kick into gear for an hour or more up to three to four times daily, or it can go on for hours and hours on end. By day four it is usually occurring sporadically throughout the day, but only lasts for a few minutes each time it happens. After 3-4 days all of a sudden your child may wake up from a nap or bedtime, seem to notice who you are (not the ayi) and scream bloody murder. Next Stage!!

2. Second Stage Uncontrollable Crying - This stage is what most of you would expect for grieving. After all your child has lost a loved one(s) and his or her world has been turned upside down. This is your opportunity to be there for him/her so that he/she can bond to you. This stage can last from a few hours total–all done--or a few hours a day or a few hours a day for three to four days. After this stage, you will usually start to see the child seeking and accepting comfort from you, and a few smiles peek through. You might see some of the child’s true personality at this point. Hold her/him as much as possible during this stage – baby carriers (front or hip) are ideal for this. The crying can get to you after awhile, but it is important that you be there to start that bonding (her with you). Try to remember that expressing feelings of loss is healthy and indicates there was an attachment there – which will ultimately help the child attach to you because he/she understands the nature of giving and receiving love.

3. Third Stage Rage & Tantrums - This is a stage that concerns everyone. Parents are likely to think that the child is emotionally disturbed. If the child is in this stage he/she is feeling rage. There will be frequent temper tantrums. The tantrums can last 1-4 hours and often do. Occasionally children may have symptoms consistent with small seizures. Raging happens more often with toddlers and older children. Again, be there for the child, [try distracting] the child. They get upset over the smallest thing in this stage. A tantrum can be triggered because it is time to leave the hotel; you turned off the TV, prevented them from playing with something that isn’t a toy, etc. Most of the time you won’t even know what sparked it—the child won’t either. The child is feeling justifiably angry and as though he or she has no control over events — and may have little understanding about what is happening and why or what will happen next. Additionally they may be incredibly frustrated because they are trying to communicate needs or wishes or fears and you don’t understand them. At that point the child gets very stubborn because he/she wants to regain some control of their life. This stage will usually last 2-3 days off and on in China, and it often comes and goes for a few weeks or maybe longer when you are back to the U.S. Again this is a stage that usually, but not always, happens with the 18-month to 4-year olds. It is important that parents be firm about what is and isn’t appropriate behavior even if the child is grieving, not necessarily over every little undesirable behavior, but about truly unacceptable behavior like hurting others, hurting self, damaging property, running away from you etc. In other words, no matter how sad, it is not appropriate to bite, kick or spit. Make eye contact with the child and say NO. You may feel uncomfortable doing this in front of Chinese people, but if you let it go over the two weeks [you are in China], it will be harder to get straightened out when you get home. If you feel as though you can’t control your child during [a] rage, then go to your hotel room unless you are at an appointment.

Your child may experience all of these feelings or only one or two. Babies under one year of age usually experience #1 and #2 stages. Toddlers usually experience all three stages. Toddlers are apt to have the rage stage for 3-4 weeks after they get to the U.S. This is normal and, believe it or not, healthy! It indicates that they loved someone and miss that person. That means that they will eventually love you. In addition toddlers need and crave routine so this break in their previously predictable lives is traumatic for them. [Some] kids experience stage #2 after being home 2-3 months. Remember that many parents do not experience a “Hallmark” adoption story. It is normal to feel confused, disappointed, anxious, and upset during your adoption trip and during the first few weeks and months at home. Take one day or one hour at a time and do not assume that the behavior you are seeing during the first few days is indicative of what you will see in a week, a month or a year. It’s much more likely that what you are seeing is your child’s reaction to loss of everything and everyone he or she has known. Your child may not find your presence comforting yet because you are still a stranger to him or her, but this won’t last forever!

It will often take a newly adopted child some time to trust you. This should be understandable. The previously trusted orphanage staff handed the child to you and possibly were never seen again by the child. So if he or she doesn’t want you out of his or her sight for fear that you also may not come back it should not be too surprising.
Remember that your child did not exist in a cocoon or a state of suspended animation prior to adoption day – he or she had a life with a certain routine, certain caregivers, and a very predictable unchanging environment. Experiences your child has already had have left an impression. Just as your life will change after adoption, so will your child’s – and all of you will need time to adjust.